New Phases kinda stink.

March has been a bad month. I'll spare too much detail but let's just say that a major project I've been working on hit some serious snags this month. It's a project that completely dominates my life right now so when things go wrong it permeates every aspect of life. Hubb has been really edgy lately and I'm worried about him. He just never seems happy and I can't seem to figure out why or help in anyway. When I try we end up fighting. I hate that. Diablo's nickname is more appropriate than ever. I lose sleep over that child. I just don't know how to help her. We had a death in the family. Hubb missed a lot of work this month and though we'll be fine, financially, it has taken a more emotional toll than anything. I'm ready for him to go back to work.

I've noticed that trials often come in clusters.

For some reason when I'm stressed and struggling I start to miss people who give me or have given me comfort. This week I've been missing my "other mom". She was my mom's best friend, her husband is my dad's best friend. They were friends and neighbors for nearly 50 years. She died three years ago. This month her husband sold their home, though he actually relocated a couple of years ago, and her daughter and my mom cleaned it out. She had a lot of stuff! Most of it went to Goodwill or the like. Those of us who knew and loved her took some stuff home. It's funny how it just really seems like stuff. Just stuff. Nothing really of great value. Dishes, books, videos. Some rememberances of a woman who was truly one of the best women there ever was. A woman who loved and gave and served and cheered, not with stuff, but because she gave of herself and because everyone who knew her thought she was their best friend, and they were right.

I miss sitting in her kitchen and talking to her. Someone else lives there now and it just doesn't seem right. She should be there, making chocolate milk and toast and helping me feel better. I miss her. I know she's still out there somewhere, watching over, but I miss her laugh, her smiles, her hugs.

I found out a few days ago that her daughter, who is has been a close friend of mine since birth, has also sold her home and will be moving an hour south of "home". I'm struggling with that today. It represents a new phase for our families and our friendships. Our children are "third generation" friends! I know that things change. Most of the time I'm okay with that. Today I don't like it. I don't know what kind of change that will have on the dynamic of our relationship. It scares me. I feel a hole opening up that hurts.

It hurts.

It's like a re-opening of the wound that came into being when my second mom died. There's an aching lonliness just at the prospect of their departure. I'm not happy about it but the truth is that I wouldn't trade that ache away. The pain that comes from separation means that my life has been enriched by good people, good relationships. I treasure that. Better to have loved and lost...

I'll be okay. We'll be okay. We'll still be friends and I'll be greatful for the modern conveniences that make it possible to keep them in my life despite the distance. It just won't be the same.

New phases. Not a fan.

Catharsis

I need a catharsis.

I had to look up that word to make sure I was using it correctly. Sad. Here's the definition, in case you need it too.

1.
the purging of the emotions or relieving of emotional tensions, esp. through certain kinds of art, as tragedy or music.
2.
Medicine/Medical. purgation.
3.
Psychiatry.
a.
psychotherapy that encourages or permits the discharge of pent-up, socially unacceptable affects.
b.
discharge of pent-up emotions so as to result in the alleviation of symptoms or the permanent relief of the condition.

Yup. Blogging can sometimes be cathartic. Purge it, baby! I'm not sure why that is but that is exactly the reason I have this blog. So that I can pour out my little soul and it won't (hopefully) come back to haunt me. I need to say this.

I'm disgusted!

Whew. Needed that. A few years ago my uncle married a woman who seemed, on the surface, to be perfect for him. She lifted him up out of the gutter. He started dressing better, achieving more, being happier. He deserved it. He's a great guy who'd made some bad choices and had some bad luck. After they were married she started changing. She started being critical, nit-picky, offended, antagonistic. She made him feel guilty for everything he did wrong and placed all the blame for their problems squarely on his shoulders. Things got really bad for a while and we wondered if they'd divorce. They didn't. He accepted the blame and slowly started becoming distant, taking her side, getting depressed. She yelled at his parents, said his family was trash and that they had never accepted or reached out to her. This was as far from the truth as you could get. We'd all tried really hard to ignore what she was becoming because we were so impressed with the impact that she'd had on him in the first place. But time revealed her to be manipulative, selfish, untruthful and completely impossible to please. No matter how many times we knocked she'd slam the door in our faces and maintain we never did enough. Finally we gave up. And she managed to completely cut his ties to his family. He doesn't see or talk to any of us anymore, including his children, siblings and my grandparents, his own mom and dad. I consider that to be one of the greatest tragedies I have ever witnessed. It felt like a crisis for a long time.

My brother was married last summer. Begin saga. Crisis again. I can't even begin to describe how awful I felt when I learned a couple of weeks ago that they began having problems on day two. Its like a horrible repetitive nightmare. It has all the signs and symptoms of my uncle's marriage and I am terrified for my brother. He is an emotionally driven individual who tends toward self-depreciation. He's incredibly talented, good-looking, kind, thoughtful, and hard on himself. I fear that his wife, who is really good at being a victim, will convince him he's worthless. He'll easily believe her because that's his personality and he may never recover from a failed marriage. I don't, for a moment, think that he's all innocence here. I'm sure they have both had a huge part in the breaking of their relationship. The problem is that she's blaming him, and he's taking the blame. I don't know if they'll ever be able to fix it. Part of my doesn't even want them to. I'd just as soon not see him saddled with such a woman. But I know better than to think that he could just walk away unscathed and I don't know how long it would take him to heal enough to move on and be happy, if he ever could.

But that's not what has gotten me really ticked tonight. That part just makes my heart bleed. What makes me angry is that as soon as I found out about this mess I contacted her. HER! Not him. I did that too, but I contacted her first. I wanted her to know that I was concerned and praying for them. That I would help in any way I could. That I hoped they'd be able to work it out and both become better and learn to have a successful marriage. I told her that I considered her to be my sister and I wanted her to be happy. I promised that I was not taking sides. And today my mom said that she's mad because she doesn't feel like our family has reached out to support her.

WHAT THE HELL!?!?!? Sorry, pardon my french.

That makes me so angry. It makes me not even want to try with her. I'm not the type to give up so easily but after years of going through this with my uncle and his wife, can you blame me? I just want to smack her. I'm not perfect. Neither is my family. But we are caring, sensitive, accepting people. And I, for one, welcomed her to the family with open arms. Gave her the benefit of the doubt when some others had some serious concerns. I didn't judge, assume or predict. I offered her friendship and sisterhood. It feels like that has been tossed back in my face. Who does that?

So the question, dear cyberspace, is this. Is it really possible that with some people, no amount of effort will ever be enough? Are there those who are so self-absorbed and so hell-bent on being victimized that they truly cannot feel loved?

That was two questions. Two good questions. Two questions that may forever go unanswered. My mom said that she finally is starting to understand why parents sometimes have to stand back and let events unfold, especially where their children are concerned. I haven't learned to do that yet, even just for my brother. I'm all mama-bear over him. He's an adult. He made his bed, he'll lie in it. I still wish to spare him the grief. I can't do it. So my heart is bleeding.

Bleeding.

Can I quote you?

I love funny sayings, especially when they come from my own family. I actually have a quote book where I store them. Sometimes I put motivational or spiritual quotes in there but more often than not they just end up being funny things that my kids or my husband say. Today netted a good one...

because Hubb and I had a fight.


Again.


We've had a few of them lately. I think it is because we have hit a new phase lately. One that is seeing us busy, busy, busy. We've hardly had time together, he hardly sees the kids. It's high five on the way out the door and "See you next Tuesday." I hate it. And it has both of us tense, so therefore, we've fought a little more than normal. Nothing serious. No lawyers on the phone. But it's becoming difficult for both of us. I can't post this on my regular blog because I have a rep to protect. WE never fight. Not us!

So tonight as our disagreement wound down I remarked that I hated fighting all the time. His response...

"Then stop making me mad."

Maybe it should have made me angry but I laughed my head off. I never can stay mad at him. He's too good at making me laugh. But that's not the end. I felt bad for our argument and did penance by giving him a back rub. I asked if he forgave me since I rubbed his back.

His response...

"Yes, and I'll forgive you for the next two arguments if you'll rub my legs, too."

Love that man!

I don't want to be a mom tonight.

Is it tomorrow yet? I don't want to be a mom tonight. I'd just as soon skip it.

It has been a busy day. Busy with lots of kids, not even all of them mine. Maybe that is the reason I'm not in a mom kind of a mood tonight. I feel inundated with kids. Diablo had a particularly trying afternoon. Man, that kid can whine like no other! And she's incredibly persistent. I keep hoping one of these days she'll decide that she is absolutely, possitively going to be a good girl, come what may. If she decides that, no power in heaven or on earth will sway her from it. Kind of like tonight at the dinner table when she screamed at me for a full 15 minutes because she wanted to find her flip-flops. Notice that she never went to look for them, just yelled at me as I tried to explain that we were leaving soon to take Teaser to soccer and she already had shoes in the car so we didn't need another pair.

Tomorrow night I'm going out with my girlfriends. I live for nights like those. Nights when Hubb puts the kids to bed and deals with the whining himself. He gets to wrestle Diablo into her pajamas while she plays dead. He gets to remind Gem no less that 16 times to put her clothes in the laundry basket. He gets to put Chubb to bed 2 or 3 times before he'll go to sleep. I get to put on some sexy shoes and a shirt without snot rubbed on the shoulders. I get to pack my cute purse, the one that can't fit diapers and wipes. I get to talk to big girls who don't cry. I get to enjoy a dinner and dessert that I will regret all the next day. Bliss.

I can hardly wait. Really. The kids are watching a movie tonight until it is time for bed so I don't have to deal with them at the moment. Yessiree, Bob. I'm in no kind of a mom mood tonight. Or tomorrow. Maybe I'll try for Friday.

One last post before bed

I'm tired. I'm drained from worrying about my friends and from anticipating the repercussions that may come from getting dragged into the middle of the drama. I took a very long time getting milk at the grocery store tonight and then came home and plopped myself in front of the computer.

My brain feels a little fried. But at the moment I'm happy. Because I perused some old favorites. Blogs that are written by people who have a gift for words. Who see the best in hard situations. People who count their blessings, and laugh uproariously at their mistakes. People who make me smile and remember that life and even people are wonderful. There are fantastic things all around us.

Things like Pride and Prejudice! I'm so going to watch that movie tomorrow. I might invite Gem and Diablo to watch it with me, though it may be over the little one's head a bit. Because tonight I can't imagine anything more fun than watching my favorite love story with my girlies and gooing over Mr. Darcy.

Life is good. I'm done with drama for tonight. And maybe even for tomorrow.

Oh, the Jr. High school drama!

I haven't posted to this blog for a while. I have been busy. That is so cliche! But it's true.

I know no one has missed me because no one reads this. Why? Cuz I haven't told ANYONE about it. This is my spot for anonymity and where I can lay it all on the line without fear of retribution. It is the actual definition of a journal. Private. Mine.

A couple of my friends are involved in high drama right now and I'm caught in the middle. Feelings have been hurt, conclusions jumped to, mountains made of mole hills and all because one of them took her feelings public on her blog. The matter could have been dealt with between the parties involved but now the families and friends of both are sounding out, some are being very unkind, and a friendship that has spanned several years hangs in the balance. It makes me crazy!

We are all older, better and wiser than this! It's junior high drama at it's worst!

I don't want to be involved in this kind of drama. I'm refraining from passing judgement and trying to stay out of it as much as I can while being a good friend to both of these women who I truly care for and admire. I isn't easy. It's like juggling 6 balls in the air while walking a tight rope and whistling dixie. This friendship stuff is not for the faint of heart. Not for sissies.

Hubb just rolled his eyes when I told him of the problem. I think he's finally getting what I've been telling him for so long. Girls are all about drama. Even the grown-up variety.

What's the point? Well, now you know why I don't have an identity here. Nobody I know or care about will read this and think less of me and if I don't know you I don't care whether you think less of me. That's the hard truth, dear reader. So when I come back and bare my soul, I'll feel safe. I hope my blogger friend will find a safer way to bear her soul because everything we do has consequences. You can scream and shout all you want about how things should be but you can't always change how they ARE. If your opinion is "It's my blog and I'll say what I want" then you had better buck up and take the abuse that people give you when they disagree with what you wrote because nothing gets people fired up faster or hotter than a situation that is absolutely none of their business!

Deep breath. Back to the mele.

Miss Manners on acid

As I grow older I recoginze that my parents were right. SHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! Don't tell them I said that. Sadly, they were right about most things and one of the things that they were right about is that kids have no respect these days. If it was true then, it's even more true now. Everywhere go I'm surrounded by kids and teenagers who are just rude and inconsiderate. It's an epidemic. But that's not really what this post is about. This post is about taking manners so far that it borders on absurd.

I called someone tonight. Her daughter answered the phone and at first I was very impressed by her phone manners.

Child: "Hello, you've reached the _____ residence." (Nice, huh? Perhaps a little stuffy but very polite.)

Me: "Hello, is ________ there?" (Maybe not the best question to ask but I find it usually gets the job done.)

Child: "Yes she is. Would you like to speak with her?"

Me: ...Pause... "Yes, please."

And all the while I'm waiting for her to come to the phone, I'm thinking... "Would I like to speak with her? No. I just called to check that she was there. (Said in my best sarcastic voice.) "Of course I want to talk to her! That's why I called!"

I'm all for phone manners but to me, it was just all too much. I have no doubt that the little darling was poised with a pen and message pad in hand before she picked up. I can't decide whether she would make a better secretary or answering machine. Yup, that's good manners gone a little to far, if you ask me.

I know. You didn't ask.

I've been neglecting my alter ego.

I've been neglecting my alter ego. I don't even remember the last time I posted to this blog. I could go back and check but that would be a bigger waste of time than posting to this blog. I've been neglecting The Rant Suit because there really hasn't been that much to rant about lately.

*Anybody who knows me knows that is a total LIE. I always have something to rant about. It's an ugly personality flaw. *

Let's just say that I've been trying to be a little more positive lately. I'm trying to see the good in things and concentrate on that instead of the things that annoy me. There are so many. It's harder to find the good things. At least for me. I recently caught up with an old friend and read her blog. Her gift amazed me. She was able to take the most mundane, ordinary, annoying things and turn them into learning and growing experiences, happy thoughts and inspiration.

I wish that were me.

But we celebrate the little milestones anyway. Today I read my relation's blog and chose not to put a comment on it. That may seem small but she put up a glowing movie review on a movie that I thought was boring with a capital B. She's not the kind of person you can disagree with so I chose to not injure her sensibilities or damage our relationship, which is tentative at best, and I didn't comment. It about killed me.

I'm not all the way there yet though. Another relation just had a baby and chose a simply ridiculous name for the child. I told her that she was going to spend a lot of time trying to comfort her child after he was beat up at school.

See. I'm not as good as I should be.

I haven't posted in a while. I wish I needed to make an apology to all of my dedicated reader but that would only be me. I'll get over it.

So here's the thought of the day. I'm completely unmotivated. I should be doing something really important right now. Or maybe even something just necessary, like cleaning the bathrooms. I'm not. I spend too much time on the computer lately and I'm starting to feel guilty about it. So I'm taking a little while off from my alter ego blog. My regular one will continue to be updated once in a while but for now I'm getting started on a project. A big project. It's Hubb's Christmas present. I hope he likes it and I hope I can get it done in a mere 11 days. I'd better get to work.

I love Christmas. I hope when it is all over that I'll get my motivation for the mundane things I should be doing back. I'm not holding my breath.

Not a big tipper

I went to get a pedicure with my sister today. Again. It is something she has talked me into recently although I'm really not that into my feet. I mostly only do this with her. It's a good excuse for some child-free time and it feels pretty good.

So we go into the pedicure place today and get our feet soaking and Pedicure Lady immediately gets to work on my sister's feet. Manicure Man was working on someone else and so I sat for about 8 minutes soaking my feet in the hot water and letting the massager go up-and-down on my back until he was done and came over to fondle my feet. It was nice, I'm not going to complain about that. What I am going to complain about is this. Pedicure Lady and Manicure Man finished up with our feet at almost exactly the same time which means that I got a pedicure that was 8 minutes shorter than my sisters but was charged exactly the same amount. I didn't leave much of a tip. Frankly he's lucky I left a tip at all because as he was painting my toenails I commented that the shade of pink was a little lighter than I thought it would be and he didn't even offer to let me get a different one. I have renamed him Sucky Manicure Man.

Oh, yeah, after we sat under the lights for a few minutes Pedicure Lady came over and removed the little foam thingies from between my sister's toes, helped her on with her sandals (which of course she knew to bring, being a regular, so her toenails wouldn't get messed up) and then walked over to the register and rang her up. I continued with my toes under the lights until she pointed at me (Sucky Manicure Man was nowhere to be seen) and said "You're done" as she stood by the register as I removed the foam thingies from between my own toes and grabbed my boots because that's all I had with me. I didn't put them on. I just wore the funky foam flip flops out to the car. I figured it was the least they could do after such obviously biased service.

In contrast, Darling Manicure Girl, who was working on someone's fingers but had been the one to do my sister's pedicure last time we were there (months ago) said to me, "You've been here before, right? Long time ago. Didn't you have new baby last time? You skinnier now."

I should have given her the tip.