New Phases kinda stink.

March has been a bad month. I'll spare too much detail but let's just say that a major project I've been working on hit some serious snags this month. It's a project that completely dominates my life right now so when things go wrong it permeates every aspect of life. Hubb has been really edgy lately and I'm worried about him. He just never seems happy and I can't seem to figure out why or help in anyway. When I try we end up fighting. I hate that. Diablo's nickname is more appropriate than ever. I lose sleep over that child. I just don't know how to help her. We had a death in the family. Hubb missed a lot of work this month and though we'll be fine, financially, it has taken a more emotional toll than anything. I'm ready for him to go back to work.

I've noticed that trials often come in clusters.

For some reason when I'm stressed and struggling I start to miss people who give me or have given me comfort. This week I've been missing my "other mom". She was my mom's best friend, her husband is my dad's best friend. They were friends and neighbors for nearly 50 years. She died three years ago. This month her husband sold their home, though he actually relocated a couple of years ago, and her daughter and my mom cleaned it out. She had a lot of stuff! Most of it went to Goodwill or the like. Those of us who knew and loved her took some stuff home. It's funny how it just really seems like stuff. Just stuff. Nothing really of great value. Dishes, books, videos. Some rememberances of a woman who was truly one of the best women there ever was. A woman who loved and gave and served and cheered, not with stuff, but because she gave of herself and because everyone who knew her thought she was their best friend, and they were right.

I miss sitting in her kitchen and talking to her. Someone else lives there now and it just doesn't seem right. She should be there, making chocolate milk and toast and helping me feel better. I miss her. I know she's still out there somewhere, watching over, but I miss her laugh, her smiles, her hugs.

I found out a few days ago that her daughter, who is has been a close friend of mine since birth, has also sold her home and will be moving an hour south of "home". I'm struggling with that today. It represents a new phase for our families and our friendships. Our children are "third generation" friends! I know that things change. Most of the time I'm okay with that. Today I don't like it. I don't know what kind of change that will have on the dynamic of our relationship. It scares me. I feel a hole opening up that hurts.

It hurts.

It's like a re-opening of the wound that came into being when my second mom died. There's an aching lonliness just at the prospect of their departure. I'm not happy about it but the truth is that I wouldn't trade that ache away. The pain that comes from separation means that my life has been enriched by good people, good relationships. I treasure that. Better to have loved and lost...

I'll be okay. We'll be okay. We'll still be friends and I'll be greatful for the modern conveniences that make it possible to keep them in my life despite the distance. It just won't be the same.

New phases. Not a fan.