March has been a bad month. I'll spare too much detail but let's just say that a major project I've been working on hit some serious snags this month. It's a project that completely dominates my life right now so when things go wrong it permeates every aspect of life. Hubb has been really edgy lately and I'm worried about him. He just never seems happy and I can't seem to figure out why or help in anyway. When I try we end up fighting. I hate that. Diablo's nickname is more appropriate than ever. I lose sleep over that child. I just don't know how to help her. We had a death in the family. Hubb missed a lot of work this month and though we'll be fine, financially, it has taken a more emotional toll than anything. I'm ready for him to go back to work.
I've noticed that trials often come in clusters.
For some reason when I'm stressed and struggling I start to miss people who give me or have given me comfort. This week I've been missing my "other mom". She was my mom's best friend, her husband is my dad's best friend. They were friends and neighbors for nearly 50 years. She died three years ago. This month her husband sold their home, though he actually relocated a couple of years ago, and her daughter and my mom cleaned it out. She had a lot of stuff! Most of it went to Goodwill or the like. Those of us who knew and loved her took some stuff home. It's funny how it just really seems like stuff. Just stuff. Nothing really of great value. Dishes, books, videos. Some rememberances of a woman who was truly one of the best women there ever was. A woman who loved and gave and served and cheered, not with stuff, but because she gave of herself and because everyone who knew her thought she was their best friend, and they were right.
I miss sitting in her kitchen and talking to her. Someone else lives there now and it just doesn't seem right. She should be there, making chocolate milk and toast and helping me feel better. I miss her. I know she's still out there somewhere, watching over, but I miss her laugh, her smiles, her hugs.
I found out a few days ago that her daughter, who is has been a close friend of mine since birth, has also sold her home and will be moving an hour south of "home". I'm struggling with that today. It represents a new phase for our families and our friendships. Our children are "third generation" friends! I know that things change. Most of the time I'm okay with that. Today I don't like it. I don't know what kind of change that will have on the dynamic of our relationship. It scares me. I feel a hole opening up that hurts.
It hurts.
It's like a re-opening of the wound that came into being when my second mom died. There's an aching lonliness just at the prospect of their departure. I'm not happy about it but the truth is that I wouldn't trade that ache away. The pain that comes from separation means that my life has been enriched by good people, good relationships. I treasure that. Better to have loved and lost...
I'll be okay. We'll be okay. We'll still be friends and I'll be greatful for the modern conveniences that make it possible to keep them in my life despite the distance. It just won't be the same.
New phases. Not a fan.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Catharsis
I need a catharsis.
I had to look up that word to make sure I was using it correctly. Sad. Here's the definition, in case you need it too.
1.
the purging of the emotions or relieving of emotional tensions, esp. through certain kinds of art, as tragedy or music.
2.
Medicine/Medical. purgation.
3.
Psychiatry.
a.
psychotherapy that encourages or permits the discharge of pent-up, socially unacceptable affects.
b.
discharge of pent-up emotions so as to result in the alleviation of symptoms or the permanent relief of the condition.
Yup. Blogging can sometimes be cathartic. Purge it, baby! I'm not sure why that is but that is exactly the reason I have this blog. So that I can pour out my little soul and it won't (hopefully) come back to haunt me. I need to say this.
I'm disgusted!
Whew. Needed that. A few years ago my uncle married a woman who seemed, on the surface, to be perfect for him. She lifted him up out of the gutter. He started dressing better, achieving more, being happier. He deserved it. He's a great guy who'd made some bad choices and had some bad luck. After they were married she started changing. She started being critical, nit-picky, offended, antagonistic. She made him feel guilty for everything he did wrong and placed all the blame for their problems squarely on his shoulders. Things got really bad for a while and we wondered if they'd divorce. They didn't. He accepted the blame and slowly started becoming distant, taking her side, getting depressed. She yelled at his parents, said his family was trash and that they had never accepted or reached out to her. This was as far from the truth as you could get. We'd all tried really hard to ignore what she was becoming because we were so impressed with the impact that she'd had on him in the first place. But time revealed her to be manipulative, selfish, untruthful and completely impossible to please. No matter how many times we knocked she'd slam the door in our faces and maintain we never did enough. Finally we gave up. And she managed to completely cut his ties to his family. He doesn't see or talk to any of us anymore, including his children, siblings and my grandparents, his own mom and dad. I consider that to be one of the greatest tragedies I have ever witnessed. It felt like a crisis for a long time.
My brother was married last summer. Begin saga. Crisis again. I can't even begin to describe how awful I felt when I learned a couple of weeks ago that they began having problems on day two. Its like a horrible repetitive nightmare. It has all the signs and symptoms of my uncle's marriage and I am terrified for my brother. He is an emotionally driven individual who tends toward self-depreciation. He's incredibly talented, good-looking, kind, thoughtful, and hard on himself. I fear that his wife, who is really good at being a victim, will convince him he's worthless. He'll easily believe her because that's his personality and he may never recover from a failed marriage. I don't, for a moment, think that he's all innocence here. I'm sure they have both had a huge part in the breaking of their relationship. The problem is that she's blaming him, and he's taking the blame. I don't know if they'll ever be able to fix it. Part of my doesn't even want them to. I'd just as soon not see him saddled with such a woman. But I know better than to think that he could just walk away unscathed and I don't know how long it would take him to heal enough to move on and be happy, if he ever could.
But that's not what has gotten me really ticked tonight. That part just makes my heart bleed. What makes me angry is that as soon as I found out about this mess I contacted her. HER! Not him. I did that too, but I contacted her first. I wanted her to know that I was concerned and praying for them. That I would help in any way I could. That I hoped they'd be able to work it out and both become better and learn to have a successful marriage. I told her that I considered her to be my sister and I wanted her to be happy. I promised that I was not taking sides. And today my mom said that she's mad because she doesn't feel like our family has reached out to support her.
WHAT THE HELL!?!?!? Sorry, pardon my french.
That makes me so angry. It makes me not even want to try with her. I'm not the type to give up so easily but after years of going through this with my uncle and his wife, can you blame me? I just want to smack her. I'm not perfect. Neither is my family. But we are caring, sensitive, accepting people. And I, for one, welcomed her to the family with open arms. Gave her the benefit of the doubt when some others had some serious concerns. I didn't judge, assume or predict. I offered her friendship and sisterhood. It feels like that has been tossed back in my face. Who does that?
So the question, dear cyberspace, is this. Is it really possible that with some people, no amount of effort will ever be enough? Are there those who are so self-absorbed and so hell-bent on being victimized that they truly cannot feel loved?
That was two questions. Two good questions. Two questions that may forever go unanswered. My mom said that she finally is starting to understand why parents sometimes have to stand back and let events unfold, especially where their children are concerned. I haven't learned to do that yet, even just for my brother. I'm all mama-bear over him. He's an adult. He made his bed, he'll lie in it. I still wish to spare him the grief. I can't do it. So my heart is bleeding.
Bleeding.
I had to look up that word to make sure I was using it correctly. Sad. Here's the definition, in case you need it too.
1.
the purging of the emotions or relieving of emotional tensions, esp. through certain kinds of art, as tragedy or music.
2.
Medicine/Medical. purgation.
3.
Psychiatry.
a.
psychotherapy that encourages or permits the discharge of pent-up, socially unacceptable affects.
b.
discharge of pent-up emotions so as to result in the alleviation of symptoms or the permanent relief of the condition.
Yup. Blogging can sometimes be cathartic. Purge it, baby! I'm not sure why that is but that is exactly the reason I have this blog. So that I can pour out my little soul and it won't (hopefully) come back to haunt me. I need to say this.
I'm disgusted!
Whew. Needed that. A few years ago my uncle married a woman who seemed, on the surface, to be perfect for him. She lifted him up out of the gutter. He started dressing better, achieving more, being happier. He deserved it. He's a great guy who'd made some bad choices and had some bad luck. After they were married she started changing. She started being critical, nit-picky, offended, antagonistic. She made him feel guilty for everything he did wrong and placed all the blame for their problems squarely on his shoulders. Things got really bad for a while and we wondered if they'd divorce. They didn't. He accepted the blame and slowly started becoming distant, taking her side, getting depressed. She yelled at his parents, said his family was trash and that they had never accepted or reached out to her. This was as far from the truth as you could get. We'd all tried really hard to ignore what she was becoming because we were so impressed with the impact that she'd had on him in the first place. But time revealed her to be manipulative, selfish, untruthful and completely impossible to please. No matter how many times we knocked she'd slam the door in our faces and maintain we never did enough. Finally we gave up. And she managed to completely cut his ties to his family. He doesn't see or talk to any of us anymore, including his children, siblings and my grandparents, his own mom and dad. I consider that to be one of the greatest tragedies I have ever witnessed. It felt like a crisis for a long time.
My brother was married last summer. Begin saga. Crisis again. I can't even begin to describe how awful I felt when I learned a couple of weeks ago that they began having problems on day two. Its like a horrible repetitive nightmare. It has all the signs and symptoms of my uncle's marriage and I am terrified for my brother. He is an emotionally driven individual who tends toward self-depreciation. He's incredibly talented, good-looking, kind, thoughtful, and hard on himself. I fear that his wife, who is really good at being a victim, will convince him he's worthless. He'll easily believe her because that's his personality and he may never recover from a failed marriage. I don't, for a moment, think that he's all innocence here. I'm sure they have both had a huge part in the breaking of their relationship. The problem is that she's blaming him, and he's taking the blame. I don't know if they'll ever be able to fix it. Part of my doesn't even want them to. I'd just as soon not see him saddled with such a woman. But I know better than to think that he could just walk away unscathed and I don't know how long it would take him to heal enough to move on and be happy, if he ever could.
But that's not what has gotten me really ticked tonight. That part just makes my heart bleed. What makes me angry is that as soon as I found out about this mess I contacted her. HER! Not him. I did that too, but I contacted her first. I wanted her to know that I was concerned and praying for them. That I would help in any way I could. That I hoped they'd be able to work it out and both become better and learn to have a successful marriage. I told her that I considered her to be my sister and I wanted her to be happy. I promised that I was not taking sides. And today my mom said that she's mad because she doesn't feel like our family has reached out to support her.
WHAT THE HELL!?!?!? Sorry, pardon my french.
That makes me so angry. It makes me not even want to try with her. I'm not the type to give up so easily but after years of going through this with my uncle and his wife, can you blame me? I just want to smack her. I'm not perfect. Neither is my family. But we are caring, sensitive, accepting people. And I, for one, welcomed her to the family with open arms. Gave her the benefit of the doubt when some others had some serious concerns. I didn't judge, assume or predict. I offered her friendship and sisterhood. It feels like that has been tossed back in my face. Who does that?
So the question, dear cyberspace, is this. Is it really possible that with some people, no amount of effort will ever be enough? Are there those who are so self-absorbed and so hell-bent on being victimized that they truly cannot feel loved?
That was two questions. Two good questions. Two questions that may forever go unanswered. My mom said that she finally is starting to understand why parents sometimes have to stand back and let events unfold, especially where their children are concerned. I haven't learned to do that yet, even just for my brother. I'm all mama-bear over him. He's an adult. He made his bed, he'll lie in it. I still wish to spare him the grief. I can't do it. So my heart is bleeding.
Bleeding.
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